Log in

No account? Create an account
13 October 2009 @ 10:22 pm
Everyone's playing tricks on me, but I keep playing along, because if everything I ever wrote was true, I'd never write a decent song. So come on, let's make a beautiful film; let's love what we should have killed; let's let our spirits fill the Void between us all. I don't know about you (to each his own, that much is true), but I'm crossing the bridge out of this labyrinth, with four pluses in my eyes. It's no surprise; no blood was spilled. No demons needed to be killed. No words were spoken; they're just lies. You only need to realize, it's no surprise.

And I regret to say, "I think it's time we parted ways," but no shame; it's just that time. Each day, I think about where we will be. We're always swapping energy, so you stay in my mind. It's no surprise; just realize, the sun will rise. Can you hear it with your eyes?

Reality is just a game to me, but I play along. But not for long, not much longer. I'm moving on.
01 September 2009 @ 11:52 pm
Today I passed by one of my past teachers, whom I love and had not seen since last year; he asked me, "How goes the battle?"

I replied, "It goes well!

Both sides have stopped fighting and put down their weapons,

And now they're beginning to dance."
30 August 2009 @ 11:50 pm
One of my favorite quotes of all time was written by Hunter S. Thompson: "Life has improved immeasurably since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously."

While I agree with this quote on many levels, it has struck me in a peculiar way as of late.

The most forthcoming understanding of these words is that taking the time to relax, being silly, and leaving seriousness behind---basically living with a more positive and easy-going disposition---will vastly increase your appreciation and enjoyment of life. This is certainly true, and I keep the idea in mind in my day-to-day life to keep my mindset in good alignment with my mind itself.

But, in recent days, I discovered another way of looking at the quote that seems just as applicable to my life, if not moreso; when you stop thinking of reality as concrete and unchangeable ("real"), it stops acting as such, and ultimately reflects your thoughts and perceptions. It probably seems absurd to many to think of reality changing itself to conform to a person's ideas, but to me it is not so far-fetched. Many of my thoughts and conversations recently have been followed by manifestations of the same ideas, in reality. Through one of these strange, cosmic incidences, I discovered a magazine interview with psychologist Stanislav Grof, in which he encapsulated my thoughts as such:

"The idea that consciousness somehow mysteriously emerges from matter didn’t make sense to me anymore. It was easier to imagine that consciousness could create the experience of the material universe by an infinitely complex orchestration."

Ok, I have to throw in this Of Montreal line I just heard, just because it is so great: "I can't relate to this world, I'm not bored enough."

That being said, I haven't been very bored at all lately. I am learning so much, experiencing great things every day. My life is sublime, and I will end this with more lyrics and wisdom:

"There's always another point of view
A better way to do the things we do
How can you know me and I know you
When nothing is true?"

The answer to this question is simple: There need not be an answer.
29 August 2009 @ 12:30 am
Somtimes, I look into the sky, and stare at all the stars.

I never wonder what they are, because they tell me you and I are in all things.

Listen to the song they sing, and I promise you will hear your own voice singing along.

Or maybe you won't, if you're still trapped in "I don't know"s.

Either way, it's all just snow; it's all the same, and will melt away.

What is a name when all things grow?

Where is your soul? It's everywhere.

How can you stay when all things go? There doesn't need to be a reason.

Each life is just a season; we're all just walking aimlessly, being pulled gently by the river's current.

Sometimes, I stare into the sea; sometimes, my ceiling.

If you feel you need to know about what I speak, you can look into your textbooks or magazines, but they won't tell you what I mean.

If you asked me what is real, I'd say you are one with everything.

So let it be. It will be so easy.

Or maybe it won't, if you're still trapped in "I don't know"s.

Realize: it's all just snow; tiny crystals and particles, forming a huge, featureless, white expanse, all exactly the same, yet each flake completely different.

What is a name when all things grow?

Where is your soul? Do you have one at all? Will you ever know?

Who is to blame when all things go?

When all things grow?

When all things know?

I confess, I didn't write that poem, but it feels like home, and my heart sings its verse proudly.

So I'm gonna keep singing it, until I am turned to ash, or bone.

And even then I won't stop singing.
28 July 2009 @ 03:51 am
I am awake.

I am also hungry.

My bed is a strange place to lay down. Without a blanket, I become cold. With the covers on, it is only a matter of time before my body heat builds up, and I awake drenched in sweat.

My mind is a similar place. It's been hard for me to find a happy medium. Even after achieving my most satisfying moment of spiritual balance and contentedness, I have suffered two of my worst emotional breakdowns over virtually nothing. What is wrong with me? Is something wrong with me?

I've wondered whether my increasing forays into the realm of the mind have yielded an equal but opposite reaction in the temporal world. It would make sense, in a way; the further my mind travels from Earth, the more my body tethers itself here. That could account, in a paradoxical kind of way, for what seems to be my increased emotional volatility. However, I also attribute these emotional problems to my own weakness. If I could gain more control over my self, my feelings, my actions, it could effectively end my problems in this area. Besides, it would be arrogant to forfeit all personal responsibility and assume that the entire universe will arrange itself in my favor just because I figured it out in my own terms. I already kind of think that, though.

In addition to the seeming increase in human drama, my glimpses of "probability" have diminished. For a while, I would look up at my ceiling and notice the bumps and textures of it drifting slowly and steadily in one direction. The same phenomenon could be observed in carpets, rugs, and even asphalt and concrete. I figured that I was starting to perceive probability, as defined as one of the axes of the Universe (like space or time) by Douglas Adams. But I've seen much less of this effect, conspicuously since returning from my last trip. In hindsight, I've wondered whether my observations were really just my mind calling me back to the unbounded Universe, since my previous visit left me feeling uneasy and unsatisfied. Perhaps I had some unanswered questions (I certainly did). Another possibility has also made itself known to me: Perhaps it was my very definition and identification of the movement as "probability" that made it less prominent to me.

Either way, it is usually better not to define things as anything other than themselves. Regardless of what's really going on, I need to eradicate from my life those less pleasant parts of my being and rejuvenate my devotion to living a multi-valued lifestyle; the more ungainly habits and reactions I have, the less stable I will be. With willpower, I'll eventually be able to conquer those reactionary tendencies and feel my way through events and decisions. The Universe might not be working with my desires in mind, but I'm going to learn all I can and enjoy everything. It would be foolish to let my own mind destroy my good times.

"Emotions, and things that you say. It all will fall, fall right in to place."
14 July 2009 @ 12:03 am
I'm wide awake again
The clock has struck 3 am
My phone is on the floor
But it's not carpeted
Cause the cold wood boards are better suited
For these times when I'm not sure

So I unlock the door
But I'm not going to the store
At least not while the moon is out
Everything they said was right
I'm going down without a fight
You really think we'll work it out?

Well say goodbye to all 500 of your lies
I know the truth, I know the truth, I know the truth
And say hello to everyone you though I didn't know
I won't fuck them up again
My friend

I'm wide awake again
And the sun is coming up
My friend


Time creeps by so slowly
Like a beat up Ford rolling down an old road
To pick up drugs, to sell to kids
So they can forget the shit lives they're doomed to live

Time creeps by so slowly
Like a cancer eating a hole in your mind
At least now I can see inside
Still I admit I'm a bit scared of what I might find out

Time creeps by so slowly
Like the second hand on the clock every time I've had enough
But I'm not complaining
In fact I am praising every second that I can spend with you

Cause time creeps by so slowly
And we can both say that we hate this place and want out
But every time I take my eyes off the watch
It seems like it's already been years since you've been gone

Time creeps by so slowly
Like the smoke she blows out her nose every time she takes a hit
And all your lies are just ghosts you let out
I see straight through them every time you open your mouth

Time creeps by so slowly
Like a killer awaiting the perfect time to strike
Cause every time I sit and look back
It always seems like it went by so fast

Hey, don't take it like that
Did you really expect me to run on back now?
Hey, don't make it like that
Did you really expect me to come on back to
Hey, don't take it like that
Did you really expect me to run on back now?
Hey, don't make it like that
Did you really expect me to come on back to you?

Time creeps by so slowly
Like the second hand on the clock every time that I want out
But I'm not complaining
I'm just trying to make good use of my time

Cause it creeps by so slowly
But don't get me wrong
Every time I take my eyes off the clock
It seems like it's already been years since you've been gone

Time creeps by so slowly
Like it does in the room, every time I play a song
Time creeps by so slowly
I've been waiting in this line, can someone tell me how long?

Time creeps by so slowly
Like it does in the room, every time I play a song
Time creeps by so slowly
I've been waiting in this line, can someone tell me how long?


The second that I got that call
I wasn't shocked or hurt at all
I guess I always pitted you a fool
I always thought I had these walls
Built so strong and tall
I never thought I'd live to see them fall

And you may think that I am like a diamond
Hard to cut, but worth it when it's won
Well it may be the hardest stone
But it'll shatter when it's thrown
Don't you realize you've been playing catch
With me?

The second that I heard that song
It all came crashing down upon me
I never thought I'd have to be so strong
I put the lid on the pot
But the water's still piping hot
I always knew it'd boil over

So tell me what I see
Is it a human being?
I never thought I'd hear so many lies
When you say family
It sounds like war to me
I never thought that I'd break down and cry

Well I'm
Right on time

And you may think we have an understanding
But wrong is still wrong, location can't change it to right
And I know that's all subjective
And words may be ineffective
But don't you see that we will all be shattered
For eternity?

Now what I never thought doesn't mean shit to me
13 July 2009 @ 11:42 pm
Hey, whilm
13 July 2009 @ 10:44 pm
Well sometimes I get outside myself
When all I do is sit back on the shelf
And sometimes I feel like leaving
All those times when no one bleeds

Cell phones smash upon the cold floor
When it heats up, the smell of cinnamon is in us all
I'd smash your shit with no remorse
But not this time

When they tell me what to do
That's when I know that I need you
And when they tell me what to be
That's when I learned to tell the time

Well sometimes I think I know you
So ask me why I even try
Cause others I feel so above you
And lay my hands on all that's mine

When you tell me what to do
That's when I know I don't need you
And when you tell me what to be
That's when I figured out what's mine



It was right in front of my nose
I thought that part of her was dead
But I guess she finally healed
So she left her legs open

And now I'm the one being spoken to
And everything is alright, in her eyes
But it's far enough to die of thirst on the way in mine

Maybe this will be her soma for a while
This high could last for years
And every day is just another scratch on the wall
In the prison cell of my own hesitation

But if she coughs I'll be there
And if she falls into my arms
Or my medicine cabinet
A dream will never be too far from it


"Broken Fingers"

These past couple days, I haven't really been sure
Exchanging our affections through a drawer
A shitty drop spot and then
I taped my heart there again
You took it, but you never left your pay

I know it's just because of the blood that's been shed
But I could never quite get that through my head
You finally came to
But I was still at school
You're getting further in every way

I never knew that words could rearrange themselves
You never said your head was numb
But you showed me that words can fuck up what they please
I never knew you couldn't come

So I say
Broken fingers, broken bones
They don't mean anything me
Broken keyboards, broken homes
They sink into my skin, and I can barely see

What the fuck is going on?
Why can't I shut up when I'm gone?
What happened? Did you cheat?
Oh won't you show me?

Where the hell did I go wrong?
Did I write a shitty song?
What happened? Did you lie?
Or is this the work of destiny?

Another conversation plummets off a cliff
Another feeling leaving me
Another conversation gone astray
My body scrapes with every word you say
So no, I won't believe

I won't believe
I won't believe
No, I won't believe
Cause He
He's fucking around with me
So fuck you, God, I won't believe
No I won't believe


Doubtless tonight will be
Six hours of pure apathy
She thinks she's alone
Just because I can't pick up the phone

And even when
I'm paying for my friends
I'm fucking alone
Though I refuse to do the job myself

And when you're late
It's my escape
And when we meet
I am nothing
And if I'm late
It's my mistake
Although I eat
I am starving

I'm fucked
I'm fucked
And I'm right
But I've never done so much wrong

Won't change the color of the wall
Can't say that I have ever fallen down
We've got nothing to tell tonight
Now that we're equal we can finally divide

Thrown again against the wall
She never thought that she would fall
But when she told me who she was
I knew she'd never thought at all
Cracks are through, all through her ribs
She never thought that she'd want kids
But after going through all this
It'll be for sure


This one's actually not about a girl:

Watching from the widow's peak
Watching all the shadows fall
Reading over my past days
Hearing all the prisoners' calls

When I get home, I'm gonna call your name
When I get home, I'm gonna write this down
When I get home, I'm gonna call your name
When I get home

Waiting for the end of this
Wishing the draft would reinstate
Standing 'fore the One Lord's hall
Fumbling with the locks on the gate

When I get home, I'm gonna get a knife
When I get home, I'm gonna get some rope

Staring from the mountain's peak
Hearing all the dead men fall
Waiting out the longest day
Listening to old phone calls

When I get home, I'm gonna call your name
When I get home, I'm gonna write this down
When I get home, I'm gonna call your name
When I get home


This one might not be either:

Maybe I'll take a train
And follow it to nowhere to find myself a name
Cause the people around me
They don't need my empathy
So I think I'll just skip town

But the only problem is that I'd never go that far
I'm never gonna run, and I'll end up forgetting who you are

Cause I love the city
Even though it's always drunk
It's by far the greatest lover I ever had
No, it doesn't use its teeth
But it's a master of deceit
It'll have me on my knees
Before tomorrow

Maybe I'll learn another trade
Since I'm just fucking with myself when I'm replacing water mains
And I'm full of self pity cause I just can't remember names
So I sit awake at night
And try to fool myself and

Everyone I know
Oh, I sit awake at night
And try to fool myself and
Everyone I know

Cause I hate the city
Where everything gets laced
It broke my heart into far too many pieces to replace
It's a liar and a cheat
It forgot what it promised me
But the world doesn't owe me a living

There's another girl I've been talking to
And she treats me as if I were someone she never knew
Still I obsess over every word that leaves her mouth
They get burned in my brain, I'm still trying to figure them out

And I scream
And I burn
And I have trouble forgetting what hurts
But it doesn't matter, cause in the end
I'm just gonna lie

I hate the city
So many people that I can't stand
And it stabbed me in the back so many times that I can't count them on my hands
(No, I can't)
It's a girl, and she's a whore
Am I still looking for something more?
It doesn't matter, I'm not gonna find it
Cause fate's against me

It doesn't matter
I'm not gonna find it
Cause fate's against me


Every day I get up and I get out of bed
Press my face against the shower wall, try to clear my head
I'm not angry, I never am
I'm just uncomfortable and need you to hold my hand

But you told me to drown
Told me to drown
You told me to drown

And I'll wait alone, for my ride to come
And I'll shut my mouth till my time has come

Every afternoon I get home from school
Lie down on my bed and, I always think of you
Yeah I'm lonely, I always was
Wonder why you sold me out, was it just because I'm

Older now
Why did you sell me out?
Was it just because I'm
Older now?

And I don't give a shit if I lose some face
Smoking out at Lindsay's place
Cause all I need's an arm
Draped 'round my shoulders to keep me warm

These past few weeks I've been feeling happier
Thought maybe you were gone and I was moving on
But in an hour it all came back
I fly like a paper plane
Everything I see is

Going black
I fly like a paper plane
And everything I see is
Going black
12 July 2009 @ 04:23 am
Music should always be listened to through headphones.
Current Music: The Flaming Lips
05 July 2009 @ 06:14 pm
Found these looking through an old notebook from more volatile days. Thought some of it was noteworthy

"I found a downward spiral leading from your lips
But I found solace in the kiss
I said, 'Remember when
we used to be more than friends?
She said,
'I think that part of me has long been dead.'

And I never raised my voice
No, I never made  much noise
But now I don't know what's going on
I don't even know who my father was
And I don't feel I have to stay
But still
I hope you'll be okay"

"Every once in a while, my friends will go out
But I'll opt to stay home and feel bad for myself
As I lie in my bed, and I lie to my friends
There's this feeling in my stomach
Like an endless dark hallway with seven locked doors
I look all around me and try to keep score
But I can't shut my mouth
I can't figure this out
A New Year's resolution
Brimming with doubt

And two times a week, I'll pay for our drinks
But we're not getting wasted, just sitting to think
And everyone's talking about their problems but me
Cause I'm just laying back with my head in the clouds
But I can't fall asleep cause my voice is too loud
And I can't shut my mouth
The words keep coming out
A New Year's resolution

I think this one is about a dream I had, but still interesting:

"I dreamt that you and you and I
Had strapped ourselves down for an 8-mile drive
Above all the oceans, we were higher than when
I was stoned last Tuesday

And by then we'd passed 17 elevators
I was pushing the buttons so we could move on
Interchangeable parts, they aren't gonna help you up here

So we came to the last gate
Although we didn't know
It was a hill a higher than I could see
It was covered in gold
I told her to gun it;
I told her to fuck it, I told her to love it...
And we careened off the side

And I said:
'In less than a minute we'll be hanging here dead
But I want you to know, I want you to know
I can see

And I know
That it may sound strange, but I'm ready to go
I'm just holding your hands to profess my love

Towards the both of you'

We collided with god's brother
But it wasn't so bad, we were holding each other
My jaw had broke, his left arm was screwed
But we could feel no pain

And the frame of her car had been starting to rust
Before falling off; now, it's covered in blood
But in 2,000 years, when they dig us up
We'll still be at peace

And the water's rushing in
Through the cracks in all the glass
While the engine spits and sputters
Ironically, we're out of gas
But there's nowhere to drive
There's nothing to hide
I guess we'll have to stand and face the truth

When she said:
'I love you forever, you're both my best friends
We're coming right up on the end
But I feel fine'

And he said:
"Although we've just got a few moments left
My last words will linger right here in the air:
I think I'll smile

An eternity.'"

"I've been walking in the dead of night
And these superimposed images seem right
I search myself for some kind of truth
And hope my pen fabricates some proof

He's been talking in the dead of night
Implications galore make me want a knife
I search the girl, and waste my life
I'm fending for myself"